Bridal Hell
The more I dive into planning a wedding, the more I'm convinced that the majority of the people who make their living in this industry should be lined up against a wall and shot... a lot. What the wedding industry doesn't take into account is people like me -- the "over 30" (okay well over 30) bride who has been working for 20 years, owns a house, has a brain, and doesn't watch "Oprah" and, therefore, knows that they're a bunch of crooks who automatically tack a minimum of 25% onto every cost the minute you mention the word "wedding" in a sentence. KM and I are planning a modest shindig that is getting more modest as the days go by. He just about had a heart attack on me last night when I finally got a chance to run numbers with him. I mean, the average price of wedding in this country is $20,000. Twenty grand! That is freakin' insane people. Insane. Who in their right minds would spend that kind of money on a party? I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around spending a quarter of that.
What really makes me sick are the parasites who feed on these romantic little girls who buy (quite literally) into the whole fantasy that the industry has contructed. Basically the mantra is "it's your wedding day...you deserve to have whatever you want." Well yeah, George Bush might deserve to be stripped, and chained to a chair in a fetid Middle Eastern prison with a black hood over his head, but that don't necessary mean he's gonna get it does it?
Average dress cost? $1,200
Average reception fee? $14,000
Average marriage length? 9.4 years
Now I freely admit that after I got engaged I got caught up (briefly thank god) in all the hoopla. One trip to David's Bridal however convinced me that the cookie-cutter, so-called fairy tale wedding currently marketed in the U.S. of A. was not in the stars. It was actually kind of humerous. I told the twentysomething bridal consultant at David's, "I don't want anything strapless or poofy." Well that pretty much eliminated about 9,995 of the 10,000 gowns they had on display. I humored my friend Scully and tried on a few. "How do you feel," David's girl asked after hauled my tulled ass up before the floor-to-ceiling mirror. She was all mock sincerity. "I feel like an imposter," I replied. "I feel like an idiot. I feel like I need to explain the meaning of the words 'age appropriate' to you again. I feel like taking this off." The exercise wasn't completely fruitless...at least I know what I don't want.
And that is:
a cake no one will eat
a dress I'll never wear again
a band that will take too many breaks and eat my food
a ceremony in a church I no longer attend
a boatload of debt
What do I want?
To marry my friend
To have a fun party
To eat chocolate cake
To have a few nice pictures to remember it by
Think the bridal industry will go for that?
What really makes me sick are the parasites who feed on these romantic little girls who buy (quite literally) into the whole fantasy that the industry has contructed. Basically the mantra is "it's your wedding day...you deserve to have whatever you want." Well yeah, George Bush might deserve to be stripped, and chained to a chair in a fetid Middle Eastern prison with a black hood over his head, but that don't necessary mean he's gonna get it does it?
Average dress cost? $1,200
Average reception fee? $14,000
Average marriage length? 9.4 years
Now I freely admit that after I got engaged I got caught up (briefly thank god) in all the hoopla. One trip to David's Bridal however convinced me that the cookie-cutter, so-called fairy tale wedding currently marketed in the U.S. of A. was not in the stars. It was actually kind of humerous. I told the twentysomething bridal consultant at David's, "I don't want anything strapless or poofy." Well that pretty much eliminated about 9,995 of the 10,000 gowns they had on display. I humored my friend Scully and tried on a few. "How do you feel," David's girl asked after hauled my tulled ass up before the floor-to-ceiling mirror. She was all mock sincerity. "I feel like an imposter," I replied. "I feel like an idiot. I feel like I need to explain the meaning of the words 'age appropriate' to you again. I feel like taking this off." The exercise wasn't completely fruitless...at least I know what I don't want.
And that is:
a cake no one will eat
a dress I'll never wear again
a band that will take too many breaks and eat my food
a ceremony in a church I no longer attend
a boatload of debt
What do I want?
To marry my friend
To have a fun party
To eat chocolate cake
To have a few nice pictures to remember it by
Think the bridal industry will go for that?
posted by Moxie at 2:09:00 PM
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